Challenges and coping Strategies: For Widows by Widows
By Members of The W Connection
As widows we all face a myriad of challenges. We are suddenly faced with living a life that was built for two all alone. This forces us to take on new roles and responsibilities as we try to adapt to the new realities we face. One of the founding principles of The W Connection is that widows can best help widows rebuild their lives. Therefore, we reached out to our members. We asked them about the key challenges they faced after being widowed and to share the strategies they used to meet them.It is our hope that some of our experiences will be useful to each of you in helping you meet your own challenges.
The Challenge: “The word widow … I hate it. It seems archaic in some ways. Survivor seems more accurate”
The Strategy: I found it very difficult the first time I had to fill out a form and check the widow box. I thought of myself as married. I still do. So I just took a deep breath and checked the box. Some forms don’t have a widow option. You then have to make the decision to check single or married. Someone told me they write in widow.
The Challenge: “After my husband died I guess some people just didn’t know what to say, so they said nothing. Our culture does not prepare us for death nor does it deal well with the idea. Fear is the prevailing attitude. Not many people want to discuss it.”
The Strategy: Not many people know what to say. Compassion and education for them are two ways that have helped me get through this. Tell them your story if they are strong enough to hear it and if you are strong enough to tell it. I found information and exposure are key in changing these prevailing attitudes.
The Challenge: “What do you call it? My husband died? Passed? Passed away? Crossed over? I lost my husband?”
The Strategy:
I prefer the reality … “he died”. But I can see people flinch when I say that. It’s too finite and perhaps too real for them to deal with. So if I’m talking to someone I don’t know I say “passed away”.
The Challenge: “When my husband died I took a leave of absence from work so I had a lot more time to “think”. To fill that time, or rather to get through that time, I began drinking and smoking, it dulled the pain.”
The Strategy:
I came to the realization that I couldn’t go on like that indefinitely. My daughter needed me to be a healthy parent – she had already lost one and I was damaging my health. Instead of just trying to quit the bad habits I decided to replace them with good ones. I began with going to therapy once a week. Then I added exercise. And most recently I have joined this wonderful group of women at The W Connection. -finding likeminded, like experienced women to connect with. This has already lifted my spirits. Self medication is not the way to go but if you find that you’ve let yourself go there take the baby steps need to pull yourself out.
The Challenge:Feeling Overwhelmed – “Dealing with my grief, helping my child with his/her grief, becoming a single parent, taking over his business at times it felt like too much to handle”
The Strategy: I decided not to put added pressure on myself by doing things too quickly. I gave myself permission to take time to do things at my own pace.
This is going to sound really simplistic but it really worked for me. I made a “To Do” list and listed everything I needed to do – simple tasks as well as the very complex ones. I tried to break down the complicated tasks into smaller steps to make them less overwhelming. Every day I chose one or two things to do and crossed them off my list which gave me a sense of accomplishment and progress. I kept the same list going for days – crossing of completed tasks and adding new ones. When there were so many tasks crossed off that it became too hard to read I started a new list. I never threw out the old lists – I reviewed them on the days that I felt really stuck.
The Challenge: “Being willing to ask for help”
The Strategy: I found it hard to ask for help directly. I asked a close friend to act as a “go between”. I gave her a list of all things I needed done and she did all of the asking and organizing. People often want to help but just don’t know what to do.
The Challenge: “There are days I feel incredibly alone.”
The Strategy:
- I purchased a Memorial Bench in my village in a spot where my husband and I liked to sit. I go down there and sit on “our” bench and it helps me feel connected to him.
- I would think about things that make me happy or things I always wanted to do but didn’t because I was married.
- I hired a personal trainer and signed up for an online dating service.
- I avoided whiny people or “death voyeurs” who only want to hear how hard it is.
- Instead I hung out with up- beat friends
The Challenge: “I remember being incredibly scared. I was living alone for the first time at age 56”
The Strategy: I learned to take on one thing at a time. Most importantly I cut myself some slack by taking on the easier things first and built confidence by having earlier successes. I also tried not to be too hard on myself if I didn’t do something perfectly.
The Challenge: Parting With My Husband’s Belongings. “This was one of the hardest things I had to do”
The Strategy:
- I made donations to charities for many of the items. I gave gifts to family members for items that had meaning to them.
- I enlisted trusted family members to help me go through everything so I wouldn’t keep stalling and breaking down.
- I didn’t rush. I decided that I needed to do this at my own pace when it felt right to me and not at anyone else’s pace.
- I found it helpful to donate certain items that had special meaning to special organizations such as his suits to Dress for Success and some of his cameras to a high school photography department. It made me feel better knowing they were going to a good cause.
- Since I live in a small Manhattan apartment, I packed all his clothes in space saver bags and put them in the back of the closet. Someday, I will have the strength to go through them or maybe when my son grows up, he will want to wear some of his dad’s clothes.
- My husband’s passing at 51 was almost too much to bare. Parting with his clothing was not only difficult for me but also for my children. So, the children took his favorite Raider gear. I then had the rest of his clothing made into quilts one for each of us. Small colorful patches sew together to comfort us when we need to feel his warmth.
The Challenge: Financial. “I needed to quickly evaluate my finances…I was not working when my husband died”
The Strategy:
- I interviewed several financial planners and had them run scenarios of my savings and expenses to see how long I had before I had to return to work
- A friend helped me create a budget. Once I saw what was coming in and what was going out, it was much less scary. There was more going out than coming in, but knowing the details was less frightening that the unknown.
The Challenge: Legal – “My husband died suddenly without a will”
The Strategy: I learned as much as I could about probate. Then I used a lawyer to review what I had done and to wrap things up. This significantly cut down on legal fees.
I made out a will soon after his death.
The Challenge: Cooking – “I hadn’t cooked in 33 years. My husband was a gourmet cook and did all of the cooking”
The Strategy: I took cooking classes. I tried to make it “fun” instead of feeling incredibly sad, angry and inept.
I found a couple of simple cookbooks and began to build confidence mastering several very easy recipes.(Also, there are many recipes on the internet which are labeled with their level of difficulty – I go for the easy ones).
I choose days when I have absolutely nothing to do to cook – it has become a good way to fill a day without plans and I actually find it relaxing.
The Challenge: “It is really hard to cook for one”
The Strategy: I try not to cook for one- it is too much work. I make large amounts of dishes that freeze well – i.e. beef stew, meatloaf, lasagna, soups, meatballs and spaghetti. I bought a lot of small freezer containers. I cook full recipes and then freeze into single portions freeze and label with date/ contents using Avery peel and stick labels and a Sharpie indelible marker.
The Challenge: “I needed help with apartment/house maintenance”
The Strategy: I hired a cheap handyman and accumulated several jobs to make it worthwhile.
Over time I have developed a trusted support network in addition to a handyman- a dog walker, snow removal, appliance repairman, plumber, and electrician.
The Challenge: “After a series of separate events I realized that I did not know how to shut off the gas, water or electricity in my house”
The Strategy: I asked the servicemen to show me where they are and labeled them.
The Challenge: “Getting through the first anniversary of his death”
The Strategy:
- I created a plan for the actual day and the days leading up to it. I thought I wanted to be around good friends and enlisted their support. But since I had no idea how I would feel on the actual day I needed an exit strategy – I told my friends that I reserved the right to cancel at any time depending upon how I felt. They totally understood.
- I planned on talking to a psychic that morning and it was the only plan I had. I woke up incredibly lonely and sad. I was able to get my son off to daycare and my dog off for a walk before my 10:00am apt. I cried through the first half of the session, but listening to her tell me her thoughts made me happy. She told me the souls wanted us to be happy. I called my sister-in-law, picked up my son, grabbed my dog and all of us went to visit my husband at the cemetery. Every year on the anniversary of his death, my sister-in-law, my son and my dog visit my husband – before or after the psychic of course. I’ll never know if what the psychic says is real or fake, but I do know it makes me happy
- My daughter and I went to a 3-day meditation retreat at Omega Institute, a place that has been a refuge for us for many years. It made it easier to feel what we really felt, and in a very safe place.
The Challenge: “I knew getting through the first Christmas without my husband would be really hard…wasn’t sure how I would handle it”
The Strategy:
- I surrounded myself with friends and family and stayed very busy.
- We continued with established family traditions. Even though it was painful there was also a lot of comfort in ritual.
The Challenge: The first Father’s Day
The Strategy:
- My family has always visited my sister in Pennsylvania every father’s day. So, what better time to tell your dad he was going to be a grandfather. That was the father’s day before my husband died. He was diagnosed with cancer when my son was 1 month old and died when my son was 3 months old. The father’s day before was such a joyous occasion. Who knew the next year would be so frightening. My sister and her husband told me they were building a pond in memory of Norman that would be ready when we arrived on Father’s day. We decided to honor Norman by putting a fish in her pond. Now, every Father’s day my son and I honor his dad by buying a fish for Norman’s pond. My son is 3 now and I hope it is a tradition that my son will enjoy for years to come.
The Challenge: “I had a young daughter and needed to go back to work. I needed help with childcare”
The Strategy:
- I reached out to my school community.
- I asked for help. I let people know what they could do for me. People wanted to help but just didn’t know what to do.
The Challenge: “My daughter was 5 years old and I was 40 when my husband died. She wanted a father in her life and wanted me to start dating. I was definitely not interested in dating.”
The Strategy:
- I hired a “Manny” (a male nanny) to do “guy” things with her so that she would have a male figure in her life.
The Challenge: My child was very young when my husband died. I was very afraid that he would have no memory of him. I was and still am afraid that he will not know how great a man he was.”
The Strategy: I created a memory wall for my son’s room with photos of him and his Dad and excerpts from a letter his Dad wrote before he died.
We have lots of videos and photos – they are all over the place. I plan to organize all the photos and have the videos transferred to DVDs. This will create permanent memories for me and my daughter.
The Challenge: “For 20+ years my husband threw himself a birthday party on the front stoop of our apartment building in New York City. It was a tradition he started before we were married and one that he maintained throughout our marriage and after our daughter was born. It became a fun tradition for the three of us …now what?”
The Strategy: We decided we wanted to keep the tradition alive so my daughter and I continue to throw the party each year on his birthday.
The Challenge: “My husband and I spent most of our non working time together. Without him I need to create a whole new social life”
The Strategy:
- To break the ice of entertaining on my own, on the advice of a friend, I purchased a couple of bottles of wine, and some cheese and crackers. I then invited a few neighbors in for a two hour cocktail party. If it went well (which it did) I always had the option of extending it (which I did).
- I invited several couples to my house first to break the “being a widow barrier”. I then received return invitations since all saw “it was ok”.
The Challenge: “My husband was my best friend. After he died I didn’t have anyone to discuss the important stuff with”
The Strategy:
- I decided to select certain people in my network who I call when I have something to discuss.
The Challenge: “There were times when I felt stuck. I knew my old life was over and I felt rudderless in figuring out my what me new life was going to look like”
The Strategy:
- I kept a journal – recording good and bad events. Periodically I read it and can see that healing is taking place over time. Most changes are small yet when I reflect back I see there are many and that I have made (and continue to make) progress.</li
The Challenge Creating New Traditions
The Strategy:
- If you always hosted your holidays with your husband perhaps take up a friend or a family member’s invitation to attend their holiday gathering.
- If you have kids talk to them about some new things they would like to do for the holidays.
- If you always have the holidays at home, try going on a trip to a new place each year to create new memories.
The Challenge: Hosting Holiday Celebration – My husband had a larger than life personality and loved to cook. I could never prepare and host a holiday meal.
The Strategy:
- If you want to host, prepare what you can and ask friends and relatives to prepare dishes in his honor. Over time you and your guests will work out what they can recreate and what new dishes will be created.
- Allow yourself to be open to new things and realize it won’t be the same as it was with your husband, it will be different.
The Challenge: Loneliness During the Holidays
The Strategy:
- Invite a friend to cook with you.
- Ask a friend to do something around the holidays a movie, walk or dinner.
- Find a time to meet with husband’s family or closest friends. It is comforting to talk to someone about your husband and to share memories.
The Challenge:Asking for help
The Strategy:
- Be honest with yourself and others about how you feel and how they can help.
- Asking for help will make you feel better and it also makes those close to you feel like there is something tangible they can do for you.
The Challenge: Creating a Game plan or Not
The Strategy:
- Some of us are planners and around the holidays need to make plans. For others going with the flow and seeing what arises works.
- Ask yourself what you will need to make it go smoother. Anticipating how you will feel can help you plan a strategy that works for you.
The Challenge: I will not have anyone to talk to
The Strategy:
- All tour/cruise lines will have a “meet and greet” time to get everyone comfortable with each other. Try to make the effort to meet at least one new person each day. Standing in line is always an easy way to start a conversation.
The Challenge:It will be all couples and I will be the only one alone.
The Strategy:
Bring a travel buddy with you. If this is not possible, most tour companies and cruise lines have “singles only “events that are geared specifically to single travelers.
The Challenge: What if I am not safe?
The Strategy:
Safety is always a priority. Never venture out away from your group to go exploring on your own. The tour guides will always advise of the places where safety might be an issue.
When all else fails take a walk around the block or snuggle under the covers with a book, be kind to yourself, it is a journey!
By Marilyn, Philadelphia Chapter Member
At a recent Philadelphia W Connection Chapter Meeting, our Chapter Leader, Susan Gross shared a list of comments made by friends and family. The intent of these comments are to make us feel better, but oftentimes they make us feel worse.
Below are some of those comments:
- Don’t worry, you’ll meet someone new
- God only gives you what you can handle
- I understand….. my cat was put down a few weeks ago
- You’re so strong…. if it was me I would fall apart
- The first year is the hardest…. then you’ll be fine
- Thank goodness your child is so young… they won’t have a memory of their dad
- Take the pictures down…. stop living in a museum
- Wow, you’re dating already
- You look great!
- You need to start new traditions
- You haven’t dated yet
- If you had divorced him you would only have gotten half the house
- “sigh”… wish my ex would die
- If only he were more religious I wouldn’t worry about his soul
- Move on…. you don’t need that widow group
- You’re lucky… I have to deal with Mr. same old every day…. boring
- But you had life insurance didn’t you
- What are you going to do with his car
- He’s in a better place now
- Why are you still wearing your rings
In the Chapter Meeting, we broke up into groups to role play what we wished had been our responses to these hurtful comments people say to widows. Our inability to respond in real time may have been the result of the absolute disbelief that someone was able to either be so cruel or so clueless. Each group chose statements and role played responses and acted them out to the entire group. Some of our responses were spot on and some included expletives which really helped us “get it off our chests” in an extremely cathartic way.It was a very helpful exercise and, this time, we were able to laugh at all of the absurdities instead of feeling wounded or stunned into silence.
In the end and most importantly, we were all able to relate to each other’s experiences which is, of course, the foundation of The W Connection.
Kudos to Susan for helping us move on.