Breaking The Myths of Widowhood
By Ellen Kamp and Dawn Nargi, Cofounders of The W Connection
Widowhood. It can happen to any woman. We know … it happened to us.
Whether a spouse battles a long illness or dies suddenly, no one is ever prepared for becoming a widow. Devastation, loneliness, sadness, and loss of direction make widowhood one of the most difficult times in a woman’s life. Although 75% of all married women will be widowed at least once in their lifetime, little or no training is available to help them learn how to deal with and adapt to the consequences of their loss.
It’s true that when a woman loses her spouse, friends, family, and service professionals want to help and so they offer advice and guidance. And, since widows are anxious for help to get through this devastating time, they listen. Yet, experience has shown that much of this well-intentioned advice is based on myths, not reality, and these myths make the time after a spouse’s death even harder and more confusing.
This article identifies the 12 most prevalent myths about widowhood and, more importantly, describes the realities widows encounter.
MYTH ONE: When it comes to grieving, one size fits all.
REALITY: Different personalities, situations, and life experiences cause everyone to grieve and adapt to loss differently. Lots of factors come into play, including age, the length and strength of a marriage, children/no children, and the widow’s career status and economic situation, to name just a few. One size DOES NOT fit all. A widow’s goal should be to make the best decisions she can based on the circumstances she is facing.
MYTH TWO: There is a time limit for grieving
REALITY: When widows are given time limits to “get over their grief” – be it six months, one year, or two years – they feel inadequate and abnormal if they haven’t “gotten over it” in the allotted time. At some point in the bereavement process, most widows realize that they need to learn new skills to adapt to the new realities of their lives. This isn’t a time-limited process but an evolving one, because the needs of widows change over time. Different needs and tasks are relevant at various stages in a widow’ transition away from intense grief.
MYTH THREE: You will “move on” or “get over it”
REALITY: Widowhood is not a disease or mental illness. It’s a fact of life, and there is no recovering. Widows learn to live with it, cope with it, and survive it. They learn to integrate their loss into the realities of their new life. With time, crying becomes less frequent, anger lessens, laughter comes back, and their focus shifts to the future.
MYTH FOUR: The second year is easier than the first
REALITY: As the shock and numbness fade, a widow becomes more clear- headed. She realizes that the life she and her spouse built for two must now be lived by one. She therefore needs to construct a new identity, and she becomes increasingly aware of how many changes she will need to make in her life – and how many challenges she will be facing alone. She accepts that the real work is ahead of her. She must rebuild her life. Thus, many widows find the second year harder than the first.” This will tie the discussion back to the myth.
MYTH FIVE: With time, life returns to normal
REALITY: Most women who lose their spouses quickly receive support from friends and family. Eventually, though, those people return to their normal lives. However, widows cannot go back to their previous lives. There is no “normal” to return to. Regardless of age or circumstance, widows share one thing in common: they have lost more than a life partner – they have lost their way of life. Widows must learn to incorporate both losses into their lives. They should not burden themselves with the expectation that they have to return to “normal.”
MYTH SIX: There is a linear, logical sequence to grieving
REALITY: Widows experience many emotional ups and downs during the healing process. Eventually, a widow starts to feel that she has made progress in retaking control of her life and adapting to new realities. And then something happens to make her feel like she is experiencing a major setback. The event could be an anniversary, a birthday, hearing a special song on the radio, or running into an old friend – almost anything. The widow finds herself extremely angry, feeling very overwhelmed, or having a severe crying jag. The healing process seems like a very crooked path for most widows. Grieving will happen for each woman in her own time, and in her own way.
MYTH SEVEN: There is a right way and a wrong way to grieve
REALITY: When dealing with the loss of a spouse, there is no playbook. What works well for one woman may not work at all for another. Widows often look for ways to determine whether they are “doing it right” or ask themselves, “Should I be doing something I’m not doing?” Widowhood is a time of great self-doubt for most women, since the loss of their spouse often triggers a sense that they have lost control over everything. Thus, widows need to be very self-protective and do only what feels right to them … not what others think they should do.
MYTH EIGHT: Time heals all wounds
REALITY: A widow does not heal from losing her spouse. She adapts to her new reality. Sadness still exists, she experiences periods of anxiety, and tears come and go. With the passage of time, she gains more control over her emotions and her new life, and greater confidence. She has no choice – she must change, she must rebuild. Time helps her do this.
MYTH NINE: Don’t talk in front of the kids about their other parent’s death
REALITY: When children lose a parent, they grieve and experience many of the same emotions as a grieving adult. The way they respond varies based on their age, stage of development, and personality. Children need guidance about what their feelings mean and how to cope with them, yet may not know how to ask, or may not want to ask, for help. Research has shown that several crucial factors can help children cope with the death of a loved one, including the mother’s ability to be there for her children, to recognize that they are mourning, and to provide them with caring support as they deal with the emotions and changes facing them. This definitely includes talking about the loss and its impact on the family.
Talking with your children about the death of their other parent is especially difficult when you are dealing with your own grief. However, it is during these difficult times that your love and support are especially important to your children. They learn to deal with their grief by watching how you cope. What’s more, helping others deal with their pain can sometimes provide us with a momentary distraction from our own hurts.
MYTH TEN: Strong widows don’t cry in front of others
REALITY: Baloney! The grieving period is a very emotional time. Widows often feel sad, anxious, depressed, angry, guilty, lonely, and afraid – sometimes all at one time! Needless to say, they feel very vulnerable and raw during these times. Widows do not need the added pressure of trying to hold in their emotions. If they need to cry, they should give themselves permission to cry, even in front of others. Often, the people around them will understand. But if they don’t, it’s not the widow’s problem – it’s the problem of those who are uncomfortable.
MYTH ELEVEN: Don’t talk about your spouse – it only makes things harder
REALITY: The decision whether or not to talk about her spouse is up to each widow. For some widows, talking about their spouses is part of their healing process. It helps them hold on to a lot of good memories during a time of great sadness. Widows sometimes feel that they are making other people uncomfortable or that others do not want to hear these stories. However, other widows prefer not to talk about their spouses.
If talking about your spouse is important to you, “just do it.” Each widow needs to decide this issue for herself.
MYTH TWELVE: Your married friends will abandon you
REALITY: This very destructive myth is perpetuated by a great deal of the literature for women trying to cope with widowhood. Too often, they are told that their married friends will no longer be comfortable around them for a variety of reasons – that their friends will be uncomfortable dealing with a grief-stricken person, will think that a newly single woman is a threat to their marriages, and so on. This hurtful and untrue generality can do a great deal of damage once it’s planted in a widow’s mind. Harboring the expectation that her friends will dump her in her time of need can change a widow’s behavior enough that expectation turns into self-fulfilling prophecy.
The truth is, your married friends are no more or less likely to drop you than your single friends. Some individuals may be uncomfortable interacting with a widow, but the key word in this sentence is individuals.
Your relationships with most of your friends will not die simply because your spouse died and their spouses are still alive. Your friendships will function as they have since you were a child, succeeding or failing entirely because of your personality and actions and the personalities and actions of your friends. Allow yourself to trust that your friends will be there for you and behave accordingly..
To summarize, if you are a widow or someone trying to help a widow, it is important to break free of these myths and live within the realities of a painful and devastating loss. Only by doing so can the rebuilding process begin.